Friday, August 10, 2007

Martimus Prime

With the Transformers being all the rage of late (why we aren't discussing the "Gobots" is anybody's guess), a number* of readers have written to us asking if we think that the almighty Marty Lipton could defeat Optimus Prime (the most legendary of all Transformers (i.e. the "Marty Lipton" of the Transformer world)) in a "battle." Well, kind sirs, this is a very complicated question, more complicated than you could know, and hence, our response is complicated as well.

First off, what type of "battle" are we even talking about here? If this is a "battle of wits," we have no doubt that our main man Marty would reign supreme. Similarly, if it were a "ballroom dancing battle," given what we've heard about Marty's keen ability to "shake a leg," we doubt that Optimus Prime would have a prayer, given that he is half truck and all. And of course, if it werer a Jalapeno eating "battle," there's no doubt that Marty Lipton would prevail--not only because he is rumoured to be a proven Jalapeno eating champion, but also because Transformers, Prime included, are widely known to be allergic to Mexican foodstuffs (why Prime would thus ever enter into a Jalapeno eating "battle" with Lipton will remain a mystery).

But if it were a "racing battle," much to our chagrin, we would have no choice to go with Optimus Prime, because, after all, the dude IS half truck, and Marty Lipton, although a living legend for, among other things, having invented the poison pill (yes, he invented it!!!), is still considered a mere mortal. Although we are certain that in time, this will be proven otherwise, and Marty Lipton--who is already known to be impervious to traditional weaponry--will be accepted as super-human, we doubt that there are any circumstances in which he would be able to keep up with a 16 wheeler, on foot.

Given the context of question posed, however, we are fairly sure that the writer meant a "battle" as in a fight. If this is indeed what you meant,, here is what we have to say: how naive can you possibly be??? Even in the most hypothetical of hypothetical worlds, Marty Lipton and Optimus Prime would never fight each other, for they are allies, not enemies. As counsel of choice for multi-national conglomerates defending against hostile takeovers, and as the leader of the Autobots, a faction of heroic robots from the planet Cybertron who wage their battles to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons, respectively, Lipton and Optimus Prime are protectors of all things good, and defenders against all things evil. They could never fight and would never fight, and hence, there is no reason for us to try to determine which would prevail if they were to do so. If they were to do such "battle" together at all, it would only be as a team, working together against evil market/robot forces the likes of which we've never seen. For these reasons, yours is, quite simply, a stupid question.

We are ashamed that you would even think of such a scenario, lawdude1973, and advise that you take a good, hard look at yourself, and decide what it is you really want out of life, because as far as we can tell, it sure isn't happiness.

* Technically, 1 is a number.

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