Thursday, August 9, 2007

Existential Questions Concerning Marty Lipton

Sometimes, when we are feeling contemplative, we wonder: could Marty Lipton conceive of a hostile takeover against which he couldn't defend? It's a question for the ages, really, and one, like "how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop,"* to which we may never really truly know the answer. We can, however, try to deduce based upon what we believe we know at this point, which includes the following:

-We know that Marty Lipton invented the poison pill (that's right, he invented it, for Pete's** sake!!);

-We hear (though have not yet been able to confirm), that Marty Lipton is a marvelous ballroom dancer;

-We understand that Mr. Lipton once defended against an "LBO" by challenging and subsequently defeating a corporate raider in a jalapeno pepper eating contest (no knowledge as to whether the Mexican hat dance was playing in the background, as is wont to happen during Jalapeno eating contests);

-We surmise that Mr. Lipton is superhuman, and cannot be defeated by conventional weapons, nor cyborgs from the future, even if those cyborgs were created and trained by Joe Flom;

-Based upon information and belief, we are of the opinion that Marty Lipton could defeat Herb Wachtell and Joe Flom, working in tandem, in any of the following parlor games:

-Rock, Paper, Scissors
-A staring contest (not technically a "parlor game" but a fun one nonetheless!)
-Lawn Bowling (but not Bocce).

Given the above, we confidently believe that there is no hostile takeover against which Marty Lipton could not defend. Mr. Lipton is a giant even among giants, and there is no mountain too high, nor challenge too challenging, nor LBO too leveraged, to withstand his might. We highly suggest that all of you T. Boone Pickens wannabes out there go back to your meaningless positions as corporate middle-managers, and eschew your dreams of toppling the blue chips, because really, what is life anyway if not a consecutive series of disapointments?

* Scholars have debated this point for decades, but we believe that, per the owl, the answer is clearly "three."

** Who is this "Pete" guy, anyway?

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