Liptonite

As you should well know--not only from reading this site, but just generally from being alive in this world--Marty Lipton is completely impervious to conventional weaponry. Indeed, Mr. Lipton has been known, on more than one occassion, to have successfully evaded the poison-tipped arrows of professional expert bowmen hired by disgruntled venture capitalists whose LBO plans had been foiled by one of Lipton's numerous, ingenious takeover blocking devices (usually the poison pill, which, incidentally, he invented). We have also heard, though we cannot confirm (if you can confirm, please write to us!) that Mr. Lipton once took a blow to the skull by a mace wielded by none other than T. Boone Pickens himself, and that not only did it not cause a single bit of injury to Lipton, but that Mr. Lipton subsequently blew Pickens and his wiry cronies away by belting out a mean, falsetto version of Petula Clarke's classic showtune "Downtown".

That Marty Lipton has consistently been able to breeze away from death's fiery grips does not, however, mean that the man is not without a weakness. And after much experimentation over the years, through countless trials and tribulations, a loosely organized collective of Lipton's mortal enemies (known as "Lipton Service") led by Joe Flom, was able to discover that weakness, and subsequently worked to exploit it--by developing a substance against which Marty Lipton would be indefensible. A substance that is now popularly known as "Liptonite."

For many years, the precise chemical makeup of Liptonite was a closely guarded secret. This week, however, after countless hours spent trying, we at the Poison Pill were finally able to "turn" one of the members of Lipton Service, and force him to reveal to us the exact molecular structure of Liptonite. You can imagine our surprise, then, when we discovered that Liptonite is, in fact, a kosher fatty corned beef sandwich on rye, with a pat of deli mustard and a half-sour pickle.

According to our source, it took the Lipton Service nearly a decade to come to grips with the fact that Marty Lipton is, quite simply, a giant among men, and that he is for all intents and purposes, unflappable. It was at a charity luncheon given by the Better Business Bureau at which Joe Flom witnessed Marty Lipton return to the meat carving station a record seven (7) times, that he realized that there was only one way to bring Marty Lipton down--through use of the salted and cured meats. Within a year, scientiests employed by the Lipton Service had synthesized Liptonite, and soon thereafter, Flom and his lackeys were employing it in their evil scheme to divert a portion of Mr. Lipton's business, to themselves.

Indeed, Joe Flom is said to have a schmorgasbord of kosher deli meats prepared and ready whenever Marty is headed over to 4 Times Square to attend a meeting, in the hopes that, if only for a brief instant, he will be distracted enough to say something that is only partially brilliant. In a similar vein, corporate raiders from Texas are known to travel at all times with portable crock-pots filled with hot barbeque brisket, on the off chance that Lipton may appear and attempt to thwart their takeover efforts.

Reasonable experts do disagree, however, on the extent to which Liptonite works to weaken Marty Lipton. One unnamed Lipton Service scientist has attested (off the record), that not only does Liptonite work to temporarily blind Lipton, but that it can cause him to loose focus for up to ten minutes at a time. We at The Poison Pill highly doubt the legitimacy of such obviously self-serving sentiments, and side with those experts who have stated that Liptonite only works to make Mr. Lipton mildly fatigued (for periods of up to 30 seconds) immediately upon ingestion.


One thing is clear, however--Liptonite does work. Which is a real problem, because, as we see it, in order for this world to operate at its optimum efficiency, Marty Lipton needs to be at the top of his game (at 250%)all the time, as opposed to the 247.45% at which he operates under the influence of Liptonite. So as ardent suppporters of his work, we strongly urge you not to approach Mr. Lipton and offer him corned beef, or any other type of salted and cured meat, on rye. If you can keep your grubby little hands out of the deli meat and refrain from doing so, we are certain that within weeks, we will have peace in the middle east.