Friday, August 10, 2007

It Ain't No Thing

How effective is the Law Office of Marty Lipton (a.k.a WLRK) at stopping corporate raiders in their tracks? We’ll tell you! Marty Litpon can literally stop a hostile takeover by doing, get this, absolutely nothing. He’s that good. Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself that this must be a slight exaggeration. Are we really supposed to believe that Marty Lipton’s corporate clients shell out millions of dollars annually for him to do nothing? Believe it!

Though Marty Lipton has earned the reputation of being a tenacious pitbull in the board room (as well as on the dance floor), Marty has recently taken a more laid back, though equally effective, approach to combating hostile corporate takeovers. Instead of assembling minions of overworked associates for a war of attrition, Marty does absolutely nothing! In case you just tuned in, Marty Lipton is so cunning and innovative that he can make a billionaire greenmailer wet his bed by, yes, yes, doing absolutely nothing!

Here’s how it works: After getting wind of a hostile takeover bid, the target corporation sends the ruthless corporate raider a letter. The letter is short and to the point. In fact, it usually contains two words: “MARTY LIPTON.” It also became a customary practice to include a fruit basket. The usual result is that the acquiring party suddenly has a change of heart, and withdraws its takeover bid. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Marty Lipton has become so feared that the mere mention of his name will send would be corporate looters running for the hills. Rather than face certain death (sometimes by way of Mexican foodstuffs), most believe that is better to retreat and live to fight another day. Genius I tell you!

Rumor has it that this defensive tactic has become so effective, clients merely pay Lipton an annual (seven figure) retainer to use his name. In most cases, Marty Lipton doesn’t even know of the threatened takeover. As a result, Marty has been able to free up some of his time to engage in leisure activities. Though unconfirmed, we hear that Lipton has taken up salsa dancing. He has also installed a Ms. Pacman machine, a ping pong table, and foosball game in his office (pictured above).

So there you have it. Marty Lipton has a new trick up his sleeve: Nothing!

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