Monday, August 13, 2007

Cavities Beware: There's a New Toothpaste in Town, and Its Name is Marty Lipton

We’re convinced that fabled M&A top gun, Marty Lipton, has brand appeal beyond the suspenders and bowtie set, whatever that may be. You put Marty Lipton’s stamp of approval on any product, we guaranty that product will fly off the shelves faster than you can say “scorched earth defense.” Take note Proctor & Gamble, parent company of Crest, you might consider making room for Marty Lipton Brand Toothpaste. In case you have any doubts, allow us to explain:

1. Marty Lipton defends against hostile takeovers where billions of dollars are at stake. We think he can tackle a few cavities.

2. Though Marty Lipton has no dental background, we're pretty sure that he could breeze through dental school in a matter of weeks. Marty Lipton went to the University of Pennsylvania’s famed Wharton School of business for crying out loud! Wharton makes dental school look like a Learning Annex knitting seminar.

3. Did we mention he invented the poison pill!

4. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have Marty Lipton, the man who invented the poison pill, working on my teeth than some hack dentist.

5. Marty Lipton usually requires a seven figures retainer. That’s right, he’s so good that his clients are willing to shell out over a million dollars just to have the guy on call. A million dollars! Can you imagine the damage you could do with that kind of loot at the McDonald’s dollar menu? At $9.99, Marty Lipton Brand Toothpaste would be a relative bargain. It would be foolhardy not to purchase Marty Lipton Brand Toothpaste, even if you never brush your teeth.

6. Unless you live on a Mormon Fundamentalist compound in Southern Utah, Marty Lipton has become a household name, a symbol of all that is American. It would be unpatriotic if not down right treasonous not to buy Marty Lipton Brand Toothpaste.

7. If you don’t buy Marty Lipton Brand Toothpaste, you’re essentially against the troops! So, yes or no, do you support the troops?

8. If the muppet babies can move a few units of toothpaste, imagine what famed M&A baron Marty Lipton could do.

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