M.A.R.T.Y. 2000

According to recently declassified documents obtained through our F.O.I.L. request, the United States government developed a supercomputer sometime during the late Cold War era modeled after ace corporate attorney, Marty Lipton. Its name: the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000, housed somewhere within the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain’s NORAD facility, specifically utilized Marty Lipton’s uncanny ability to solve problems, business acumen, and sheer culinary genius, to defend against Soviet attacks.

In order to prepare for a Soviet takeover, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was programmed to play a number of simulated games. This included everything from Galaga, Ms. Pac Man, and our favorite, global thermal nuclear war. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 excelled at game play. In fact, is rumored that Joe Flom challenged the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 to several games of tic-tac-toe. Though still classified, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 supposedly beat Flom 29 out of the 30 games played. Some believe that the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 intentionally allowed Flom to win the final game because it felt bad for him.

The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 project, however, was ultimately taken off line because several top commanders were unhappy with the resolution of several simulated conflicts. It seemed that during those simulations, the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 consistently opted to launch nuclear weapons at major U.S. cities at the first sign of a Soviet invasion. While some argued that sacrificing a city such as Detroit in order to thwart a Soviet takeover was well worth it, others perceived such a tactic was somewhat controversial. In the end, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was a little too far ahead of its time.

Everything's Coming up Marty

As we've previously mentioned, Marty Lipton, the fantastic vocalist that he is, has been known to tweedle the odd-showtune in the wee-hours of a tightly wound corporate merger negotiation. Whether it be for some strategic end, to simply break up the monotony of the negotiations, or to communicate down the hall to his partner --legendary litigator Herb Wachtell (head of WLRK's esteemed "no fault auto" practice)--there is no question that Marty's tactic has proven successful, time and time again. Trust us, we know. What we didn't know, however, was which showtunes Marty preferred to belt out in the boardroom. At least, that is, until now, with this morning's receipt of the following email from an anonymous reader:

To: Maxwellhause@gmail.com

From: [redacted]

Time: Sunday, September 16, 2007, 9:14 pm

Re: Marty Lipton Sighting at Ethel Merman Tribute Concert

Maxwell and Rob:

Love the site. Longtime reader, first time caller (writer?). So, this afternoon, I attended the inaguaral Ethel Merman Charity Tribute in Astoria, Queens. If you don't know, this is an event celebrating the life and music of the famed actress Ethel Merman who she is known for such show classics as "who could ask for anything more". Anyway, at some point in the late dayI took a break from the festivities to hit up the ol pishadoo and get me some refreshments, when who did I see, but Marty Lipton, walking into the auditorium with a large tub of popcorn. Now, to tell you the truth, I'm not 100% sure it was Lipton, because I actually have no idea what he looks like, but I did hear someone say to him "hey, Marty," so I'm thinking it must be Lipton because, come on. Anyway, just thought you would like to know this. You should do a feature sort of like Gawker's "Gawker Stalker," except only with Marty Lipton. For example, "I saw Marty Lipton at the Ethel Merman festival," or "Marty Lipton was seen entering 51 West 52nd Street this morning!!!!!!"

So, keep up the good work!

[redacted]

Now, whether it was or was not in fact Marty Lipton at the Merman festival this weekend, we'll never know (and quite frankly, we're now pissed off that we turned down the tickets to the festival that were offered to us by our gay anesthesiologist neighbor, Fred, on the off chance that it WAS him). Be that as it may, what we can be sure of (and by "can," we mean" we're guessing"), is that the songs that Marty Lipton would choose to sing to his clients and adversaries, were Ethel Merman songs, most likely "Everything is Coming Up Roses," which, upon information and belief, we now understand to be Marty Lipton's favorite song of all times!!!!

We thank [redacted] for his Lipton sighting and insight (though not for his grammatical acumen!!), and ask that if you have any information relating to Marty's musical preferences, let us know, because not only did he invent the poison pill (yes, you heard correctly, he invented it!!), but he appears to be a patron of the arts as well!

L'Shana Tovah, Marty Lipton

It is said that Marty Lipton, Herb Wachtell, and Co. started their little M&A/Slip and Fall defense firm because the big firms of the day wouldn't hire Jews. All disbelief aside that it was ever difficult for a Jewish lawyer to make it out there, we have always liked this story, because it shows once again how Jews can perservere and overcome in the face of adversity. There's no question about it, Marty Lipton, like all of his Jewish bretheren (the writers of this blog included), is a fighter--and whether it be religious persecution or takeover artists funding LBO attempts with unlimited Texas oil monies, he will never surrender until his work is done, which it never is.

With that, we would like to wish our hero/savior Marty Lipon a happy and healthy Rosh Hashanah--good Yom Tov and L'Shana Tova. We would pray that he be "inscribed in the book of life," but since we believe Marty to be superhuman and invincible, such prayer would essentially be pointless.

Salad a la Marty

As we have pointed out to you in the past, Marty Lipton’s innovations are not relegated to the boardroom. For example, we have come to learn that Marty Lipton is single handedly responsible for innovating a number of otherwise ordinary dishes into culinary wonders. Take for example the Caesar salad: a commonplace, dare we say bland, mix of romaine lettuce, croutons, anchovy paste, lemon juice, parmesan cheese, black pepper, olive oil, and Worchester sauce. While we are certainly not suggesting that Marty Lipton invented this culinary Chernobyl, he certainly took it from the back alleys of Tijuana, Mexico, to the forefront of America’s gastronomic sensibility.

Along with bullfights, coke mules, ubiquitous pharmacies selling cheap grey market pharmaceuticals, and the donkey show (this is apparently an off Broadway “musical” that features live animals on stage), Tijuana, Mexico is credited with being the birthplace of the Caesar salad. More specifically, the Caesar salad was invented by Caesar Cardini, a successful restaurateur and prohibition era “tequila runner” (Cardini is often credited as being the Mexican Al Capone). During the height of prohibition, alcohol deprived co-eds would cross the border for the sole purpose of enjoying a libation and a free salad at one of Cardini’s numerous theme restaurants, including famed spring break hotspot, Carlos N Charlie’s.

Though, the Caesar salad enjoyed mild popularity in the United States during the 1960s (due in part to the boom of Mexican restaurants), the fad had all but died out by the early 70s. Some say the market was just oversaturated with salads. Others opine that the Caesar was simply boring and uninspired. In 1982, the Caesar salad was given a jumpstart by none other than famed corporate whiz kid, Marty Lipton.

One afternoon, while taking clients to lunch at Midtown power scene, Ben Benson’s Steakhouse, Marty Lipton regaled the lunch crowd with witty one liners, sight gags and Joe Flom anecdotes. Never being the one to shy away from theatrics, Lipton topped even himself by ordering a Caesar salad…prepared tableside! That’s right, Lipton transformed a dull and drab salad into a three ring circus. It was a meal and a show all rolled into one.

Lipton proceeded to dazzle the crowd by preparing the salad right before their very eyes. Warming up the crowd, Lipton added the crunchy romaine to a large metallic mixing bowl. The crowd looked on as he added the dressing’s ingredients to the bowl. But wait, there’s more! After sprinkling the salad with parmesan cheese, some freshly ground pepper, and a dash of Tabasco sauce, Lipton brought the crowd to their feet by tossing the salad.

Lipton’s high octane hyjinks, a Caesar salad prepared tableside, became quite the rage amongst New York’s Upper East Side society set. Walk into any Michelin star restaurant during the 1980s and you couldn’t blink without seeing someone order a Caesar salad prepared tableside, a Salad a la Marty to those in the know.

In 1984, Lipton jazzed up the Salad a la Marty by ordering it with grilled chicken on top. That’s right, grilled chicken!

So there you have it. Not only did Lipton invent the poison pill, he invented the Caesar salad served tableside as well as the Caesar salad with grilled chicken.

Stuffed Marty

In the early 1990's, capital markets worldwide took a downturn. With the suit and tie set bearish on the economy, it was only natural that M&A transactions slowed to a near halt during that tragic time. But if there was one good thing to come out of this otherwise dire situation, it was that, with less than a full plate, Marty Lipton was finally able to focus in on some of his other interests that he had left unexplored for all those years when he was defending against LBO's and inventing poison pills and whatnot. It is rumoured that it was during this period that Marty Lipton became a licensed master taxidermist.

As we've mentioned before, Marty Lipton had always been an animal lover. But the problem with animals--especially exotic ones--he found, was that like all other living things, eventually, they die. Mr. Lipton, impervious to death (and conventional weaponry) himself, had little time for such distractions. Between his work as a high powered corporate attorney, his position as a trustee on the NYU School of Law Board of Trustees, and his various humanitarian efforts throughout the world, Lipton was uninterested in getting close to an animal and then watching it suffer tragically and then ultimately perish--as had happened with Kirby, his beloved Mako Shark. When Kirby died, it is said that Lipton swore off pet-ownership altogether, and delved, head first, into salsa dancing.

But in the years that followed, Marty often found that while he didn't miss the pain of losing a beloved pet, he did miss being surrounded by exotic, furry creatures while holed up in his grandiose Manhattan office, devising newer and better ways to protect innocent corporations. So when he found himself with a bit of free time back in 1991, he opted to do something about it, and enrolled in a taxidermy correspondence course.

WLRK minions say that those six months when he was a taxidermy student were some of the happiest of Lipton's life. Every other Tuesday, Lipton would apparently wait near the WLRK mailroom, pacing anxiously until the arrival of his latest taxidermy video and stuffing kit. And for the rest of the day--and in fact, many nights too--it is said that Lipton would barracade himself in his office with nothing but his VCR and his dream of becoming a master taxidermist. Marty being Marty, he finished the course in the record time of four months--two whole months early!--and in the Spring of 92, was accredited as a master taxidermist in a short, nondescript ceremony presided over by none other than a panda-suit donning Joe Flom!

Knowing that the recession would not last forever, Marty took no taxidermy prisoners, and in the months that followed, managed to stuff and mount a polar bear head, a whole antelope, 17 muskrats, 3 hedgehogs, a wild boar, a bison, a deer, and a giraffe--not to mention Kirby, his beloved Mako shark, whom he had previously had frozen in remembrance (rumours that Lipton stuffed and mounted famed corporate raider T. Boone Pickens are highly exagerated, and came about only because of his purported resemblance to one of Lipton's many stuffed marmits).

All of Lipton's taxidermy projects can be seen, on display, in Marty's office (which these days looks less like a zoo and more like a hunting lodge given his new, rich red mahogany cabinets), but only if you are fortunate enough to be a WLRK client, or unlucky enough to be a perilous corporate raider, in town for a negotiation session--for the old days when Marty Lipton would happily show his collection of stuffed mammal heads to any old soul off the street are over, ever since Herb Wachtell (head of WLRK's famed "personal injury practice") claimed that Lipton's office contained too many "attractive nuisances," and put a stop to Marty's impromptu tours.

Marty Lipton Will Hopefully Challenge Primate to Competition Involving Secret Ingredient (Chorizo)

Though we have never seen Marty Lipton speak (we really have no idea what he even looks like), we have no doubt that Lipton is extremely articulate and can really think on his feet. In fact, we believe that Lipton, the inventor of the poison pill, is so cunning, that he can take any position, no matter how outrageous, and dress it up to be a winner. Quite simply, he is that damned smart.

That is why we would love to witness the slaughter that would ensue if Lipton was to challenge a Neanderthal like Sean Hannity to anything. We don’t really care what it is. As long as Lipton is pitted against Sean Hannity, we will watch it. You see, while Lipton is extremely gifted, Sean Hannity is a complete moron. Hannity would have difficulty beating a chimp at connect four (best out of seven).

Because a contest against Lipton (whatever it may be) would be so lopsided, we surmise that Hannity would likely become so frustrated that he would start flinging his fecal matter at innocent bystanders like an ape at the zoo.

So Sean, we challenge you to anything against Marty Lipton. Anything! Yes or no Sean? Here are several suggestions:

1. A diorama building contest;

2. One on one ultimate Frisbee;

3. A debate over the pros and cons of forced child labor;

4. A pie eating contest;

5. Powerball (from American Gladiators); or

6. An Iron Chef style cookoff (secret ingredient: chorizo).

Lipton on Tape

Have you ever heard Marty Lipton's voice? Neither have we, but we hear that it is, in a word, breathtaking.

Rumor has it that long before Marty Lipton was a regional ballroom dancing champion, he was a deft and accomplished concert lyricist (a tenor). A source close to WLRK (and by close, we mean proximity wise, for our source is Sal, the kosher frankfurter vendor out on 52nd St.) tell us that in his younger years, Marty Lipton would often break up the monotony of a corporate merger negotiation by belting out the odd showtune. We understand that Herb Wachtell thought that this strategy would translate well to litigation, and tried once to coax answers out of a hostile witness by attempting a falsetto version of the Iron Butterfly classic "In a Gadda Da Vida," but that he quickly found that his voice was too hoarse because he had spent a number of hours that week defending a janitor against DUI charges in Mamaroneck, Long Island (in connection with his famed and lucrative "DUI defense" practice).

These days, Marty Lipton is too busy defending against hostile LBO's with Mexican foodstuffs and also learning new salsa dance steps to once again become a serious singer, but we do have it upon information and belief that he is close to signing a lucrative and exclusive deal to provide his soothing vocal stylings on the next 5 Jackie Collins books on tape. Rumor has it that Marty has always had a secret passion for supermarket romance novels (and in fact, may have even penned a few of his own) and that when the offer came across his desk, he jumped at it, quite literally, and almost sprained his ankle in the process (we say "almost" because while any normal person would have sustained a somewhat serious injury, because Lipton is impervious to pain and harm, he was, in fact, fine). Did we mention that Marty Lipton invented the poison pill?? (he invented it for Pete's sake!!!).

We wish Marty well in his new endeavor, and look forward to enjoying his sweet sounds when those cassette tapes reach the market in the coming years. We are willing to wait that long, but if are pining and simply need to hear a famed New York lawyer voice a book on tape, we recommend that you check out Paul Roth's 1994 reading of "Do the Twist: The Chubby Checker Story." While Roth's voice no doubt pales in comparison to Lipton's, Roth is known the world over not only because he is an excellent hedge fund counselor, but also because he can do a mean "mashed potato."

Marty Lipton Cup of Soup

Although completely plausible given his superhuman tendencies and the fact that he invented the poison pill (he invented the friggin thing!!!!), there is no truth whatesoever to the popular belief that Marty Lipton, in fact, invented/and or owns the Lipton Cup-a-Soup. That the namesake of this popular and affordable freeze-dried snack also happens to be Lipton, is but a mere coincidence. And when you think about it, their names are but the only thing that Marty Lipton and Lipton Cup-a-Soup have in common. For example:

1. Marty Lipton is a high powered M&A attorney who is at the top of his profession and is widely heralded as the greatest corporate lawyer of his generation (much to the chagrin of Joe Flom). Lipton Cup-a-Soup is a cheap foodstuff primarily marketed to stoners and financially strapped college students (that Cup-a-Soup is not marketed to corporate executive/general counsel set would explain why Marty's cuddly mug hasn't been plasted all over the damn thing yet).

2. Marty Lipton invented the poison pill. Cup-a-soup didn't invent anything, and in fact, is an inanimate object (soup).

3. "Cup-a-soup" is also slang for a practical joke where the prankster takes their hand, places it near their rear end, and then proceed to fart. The prankster then quickly cups/shovels the air mass towards someone's face, usually a unsuspecting victim. (depending on the intensity of the smell, it may qualify as a "cup-a-chili"). Not only is Marty Lipton not a "practical joke", but in fact, he has never farted (or urinated or defecated for that matter), because his body uses and burns 100% of the sustenance that is placed in it, and thus does not produce any waste product at all. In other words, Marty Lipton is the perfect engine (more on this later!).

4. Contrary to popular belief, Cup-a-Soup does, in fact, have a shelf life (of 8 years). Marty Lipton has no shelf life (nor even a "half-life"). Indeed, he is immortal, and is impervious to conventional weaponry (unlike, say, Paul Roth, who's weakness is said to be cotton candy).

So as you can see, all that Marty Lipton and Lipton Cup-a-Soup have in common is the name "Lipton." We do have it (on information and belief), that Marty Lipton did come up with a recipe for a mean southern maize (you call it corn) chowder (and we are currently trying to get our hands on the recipe) back in the early 90's when the M&A market was slowed by recession and Lipton found himself with some time to kill, but we question the veracity of this rumour given Lipton's purported hatred of all cereal grains.

Panda Joe

It’s no secret that Lipton’s M&A group is one of his firm's most lucrative practice areas (Herb Wachtell’s slip and fall practice group is a close second). We hear that the average partner at Lipton and Associates pulls in well north of $3.5 million a year. If that is what the average partner is bringing home, imagine how fat Lipton’s bankroll is! Though we haven’t audited Lipton’s bank account as of late, we’d guess that Marty has eight zeros on his paycheck (he isn’t getting paid in pesos either).

With that sort of disposable income, Lipton can afford virtually any luxury item his heart so desires. According to one spy, during the 80s, Lipton had a penchant for collecting rare and exotic animals. His collection supposedly includes a Bengal tiger, a mako shark, and a dozen flamingos. In 1987, when Lipton was unable to acquire a rare giant panda from a Beijing zoo, he hired Joe Flom to dress up in a panda suit for two weeks and live in a specially designed Panda habitat that Lipton built in his yard. That’s right, Marty Lipton brings home so much bacon that he can afford to pay Joe Flom (who at the time billed out a whopping $150 an hour) to wear a panda suit and live in Lipton’s yard for two weeks straight. That’s over $67,000 for a temporary panda. Joe Flom, who was nowhere close to his monthly billing quota, was happy to take the gig.

Lipton, always the consummate philanthropist, invited a group of underprivileged children to his home to watch the clumsy Flom play in a kiddie pool and consume massive quantities of bamboo. Though timid at first, Flom was coaxed from his den with a giant frozen treat consisting of apples, pears, and bamboo frozen in beet juice and water. Word around the campfire is that Lipton even allowed several children to ride the wild beast (Joe Flom).

If nothing else, this quaint anecdote shows that although Marty sure knows how to rake it in, he is not afraid to give a little back to those who are less fortunate (just to clarify, we are not referring to Joe Flom).

Mailbag

Since the launch of The Poison Pill, we’ve been getting quite a few questions from you, our loyal readers. If nothing else, this website has confirmed that we are not the only Marty Lipton devotees out there. While we value all your opinions and questions, unfortunately we can’t get to everyone. But if you keep asking, we’ll keep writing. Thanks.

Q: Is it true that there is a competing Joe Flom blog out there?

Bill
Pacoima, CA

A: We’re not sure Bill. It seems unlikely though. Who would actually be interested in Joe Flom? What could the blog’s author possibly write about? Its not as if Joe Flom invented the poison pill. If it does exist, it probably won’t be around for too much longer.

Q: My daughter was bitten by a vicious pitbull. Does Marty Lipton handle dog bite cases?

Lynne
Toledo, Ohio

A: Great question Lynne. Though we hear that WLRK has a terrific negligence department, Marty is a corporate attorney. Herb Wachtell on the other hand is a stupendous litigator. Maybe he will take the case.

Q: I am an insurance adjustor for a regional insurance company that underwrites grocery stores, chain restaurants, and strip clubs on Long Island. We like to pay between $125 and $175 an hour to the firms on our panel. Does Marty Lipton charge similar rates?

Glenn
Garden City, NY

A: Glenn, Marty may be a little out of your price range. Keep in mind that he is a corporate attorney. Herb Wachtell, however, may be able to help you. Herb, I think this is your lucky day!

Q: I am 1st Year law student at Pace University and am thinking of submitting my resume to WLRK. To be honest with you, I’m not sure it is the place for me. What sort of perks do they offer?

Ronald
White Plains, NY

A: In 1988, they converted the law library into a game room. It’s totally rad! In fact, they recently purchased a Galalga arcade game. Sweet! That’s not all. According to The Vault, they have a frozen yogurt machine. It's unclear, however, whether its attonreys have to pay for the frozen yogurt.

Q: Did Marty Lipton invent anything other than the poison pill?

Dwight
Buffalo Grove, Ill.

A: He invented casual weekends. This means that you can wear kakis and a polo shirt into the office on Saturday and Sunday.