Tuesday, September 18, 2007

M.A.R.T.Y. 2000

According to recently declassified documents obtained through our F.O.I.L. request, the United States government developed a supercomputer sometime during the late Cold War era modeled after ace corporate attorney, Marty Lipton. Its name: the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000, housed somewhere within the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain’s NORAD facility, specifically utilized Marty Lipton’s uncanny ability to solve problems, business acumen, and sheer culinary genius, to defend against Soviet attacks.

In order to prepare for a Soviet takeover, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was programmed to play a number of simulated games. This included everything from Galaga, Ms. Pac Man, and our favorite, global thermal nuclear war. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 excelled at game play. In fact, is rumored that Joe Flom challenged the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 to several games of tic-tac-toe. Though still classified, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 supposedly beat Flom 29 out of the 30 games played. Some believe that the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 intentionally allowed Flom to win the final game because it felt bad for him.

The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 project, however, was ultimately taken off line because several top commanders were unhappy with the resolution of several simulated conflicts. It seemed that during those simulations, the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 consistently opted to launch nuclear weapons at major U.S. cities at the first sign of a Soviet invasion. While some argued that sacrificing a city such as Detroit in order to thwart a Soviet takeover was well worth it, others perceived such a tactic was somewhat controversial. In the end, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was a little too far ahead of its time.

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