Uncle Marty

There has been a lot of talk these days about first year associate salaries. $165k to live in Philadelphia!? We’re not impressed. With all due respect to our friends down in the city of brotherly love, we’ll pass. Quite frankly, if I was on law review at an Ivy League law school, I would take a job in WLRK’s (a/k/a the Law Offices of Marty Lipton) mail room before I took a gig in Philly. For those of you actually considering employment by a firm other than WLRK, allow us to explain:

It’s no secret that Lipton and his ilk like to take care of the “help.” Trust us, between Lipton’s jaw dropping M&A gold mine, and Herb Wachtell’s successful slip n’ fall practice group (now servicing Bronx County), WLRK can afford to shell out some serious clams. Though unconfirmed, we hear that the guy who cleans the toilet stalls at WLRK makes more than the average partner at Wilson Elser (one of herb Wachtell’s chief competitors). WLRK’s receptionist drives a Maserati for crying out loud.

That’s right, the poison pill auteur is not afraid to flaunt it (after all, it is Marty Lipton’s proverbial milkshake that brings all the Fortune 500 companies to the yard). In addition to astronomical annual and semi-annual bonuses, Sir Marty has started to offer “alternative” incentive based compensation packages to his associates. For example, Lipton recently offered a week long paid vacation to the first associate to bill 3000 hours within the first five months of the fiscal year. Lipton is also rumored to have paid Joe Flom his hourly billing rate ($250 an hour) to dress up like a clown and make balloon animals at Lipton’s granddaughter’s birthday (Flom gladly accepted).

If you think WLRK’s salaries are insane, wait until you see the perks. We’re told that Lipton has constructed a scale replica of The Mall at Short Hills on its 23rd floor. During their lunch breaks (on weekends only), associates are encouraged to take their spouses shopping. Guess what, its all on uncle Marty. Did we mention that Litpon recently installed a frozen yogurt machine in the lawyer’s lunch room?! In case you weren’t paying attention, frozen yogurt.

Getting hungry? After churning out 250 billable hours a month, who wouldn’t be! Look no further than your office desk for a lavishly prepared gourmet meal prepared by a three star Michelin chef. In the mood for Lobster Thermador at two in the morning? No problem. Lipton’s around the clock kitchen staff is happy to whip up any dish (including Marty’s famous German Potato Salad) and deliver it right to your desk. The days of squandering valuable billable hours by having to walk to the firm cafeteria are over.

Aside from mind boggling kickbacks, WLRK stands out on any resume. We can’t stress this enough people. Marty Lipton invented the poison pill! He invented it! We also hear that Lipton recently scored over 800 points in a sanctioned Scrabble match against hedge fund shill, Paul Roth.