Breaking News Regarding Marty's Frozen Yogurt Machine

As we've previously reported, the Law Firm of Marty Lipton recently installed a "complimentary" frozen yogurt machine in its lawyers' lunch room (off limits to non-esquires, who can enjoy frozen custard in a separate facility of their own). From what we gather, the machine has been a huge hit since its installation, and in fact has to be refilled quite often--sometimes more than twice (twice!) a day. If you are just tuning in, lawyers at the Law Firm of Marty Lipton love them some frozen yogurt!

This afternoon, we here at the Poison Pill received a startling report from one of our many spies. From what we understand, yesterday, a group of attorneys, on their daily 15 minute sustenance/lavatory break, entered the Lipton lunchroom to find that their beloved frozen yogurt machine was missing. You heard us right, missing! Grief stricken that they could not enjoy their daily fix of frozen fermented bacteria and sugar substitutes, these attorneys supposedly sat motionlesss in the lunchroom for a full billable hour before realizing that they were wasting serious time that could be better spent billing clients or otherwise playing Galaga in the firm's game-room (note: we understand that these attorneys will be billing this lost hour to a billing code entitled "lunchroom administration," so that they can properly account for their time).

Nobody seems to know why the frozen yogurt machine, popular with oh-so-many employees (especially on "Butter Praline" day), has gone missing, but we have a theory: we understand that the frozen yogurt machine was purchased by non other than Marty Lipton, the inventor of the poison pill and ballroom dancer extraordinare. Therefore, the machine, like Lipton, must be impervious to physical ailment, and thus cannot be broken. The only logical explanation for its disappearance, then, is that Mr. Lipton has removed the machine on purpose, as some sort of a motivational ploy. To what end he wishes to motivate his employees, however, we cannot surmise, because that would require us to think on the same level as Mr. Lipton, and while we're no slouches in the grey-matter department, we know enough not to bother with such a pointless exercise, because we (as would you) would fail miserably. Quite simply, Marty we ain't.

If you have any information or theories as to the missing frozen yogurt machine, kindly contact us at maxwellhause@gmail.com. We would start an "open forum" on the frozen yogurt machine, but all truth be told, we don't know how to do that, and also we fear open forums (one of us grew up in Eastern Europe).



UPDATE: We are told that the frozen yogurt machine--which apparently was not purchased by Marty Lipton, but rather, appears to have been purchased by a purchasing agent in the firm cafeteria, at the behest of the cafeteria sous-chef (not to be confused with Herb Wachtell, head of the firm's esteemed "food poisoning defense" practice group)--is, in fact, broken, and has been sent out for repairs. We will let you know if we hear when it is slated to be returned. In the meantime, we recommend that you try a chipwich or a bomb-pop, now available at any local Bodega.