Uncle Marty

There has been a lot of talk these days about first year associate salaries. $165k to live in Philadelphia!? We’re not impressed. With all due respect to our friends down in the city of brotherly love, we’ll pass. Quite frankly, if I was on law review at an Ivy League law school, I would take a job in WLRK’s (a/k/a the Law Offices of Marty Lipton) mail room before I took a gig in Philly. For those of you actually considering employment by a firm other than WLRK, allow us to explain:

It’s no secret that Lipton and his ilk like to take care of the “help.” Trust us, between Lipton’s jaw dropping M&A gold mine, and Herb Wachtell’s successful slip n’ fall practice group (now servicing Bronx County), WLRK can afford to shell out some serious clams. Though unconfirmed, we hear that the guy who cleans the toilet stalls at WLRK makes more than the average partner at Wilson Elser (one of herb Wachtell’s chief competitors). WLRK’s receptionist drives a Maserati for crying out loud.

That’s right, the poison pill auteur is not afraid to flaunt it (after all, it is Marty Lipton’s proverbial milkshake that brings all the Fortune 500 companies to the yard). In addition to astronomical annual and semi-annual bonuses, Sir Marty has started to offer “alternative” incentive based compensation packages to his associates. For example, Lipton recently offered a week long paid vacation to the first associate to bill 3000 hours within the first five months of the fiscal year. Lipton is also rumored to have paid Joe Flom his hourly billing rate ($250 an hour) to dress up like a clown and make balloon animals at Lipton’s granddaughter’s birthday (Flom gladly accepted).

If you think WLRK’s salaries are insane, wait until you see the perks. We’re told that Lipton has constructed a scale replica of The Mall at Short Hills on its 23rd floor. During their lunch breaks (on weekends only), associates are encouraged to take their spouses shopping. Guess what, its all on uncle Marty. Did we mention that Litpon recently installed a frozen yogurt machine in the lawyer’s lunch room?! In case you weren’t paying attention, frozen yogurt.

Getting hungry? After churning out 250 billable hours a month, who wouldn’t be! Look no further than your office desk for a lavishly prepared gourmet meal prepared by a three star Michelin chef. In the mood for Lobster Thermador at two in the morning? No problem. Lipton’s around the clock kitchen staff is happy to whip up any dish (including Marty’s famous German Potato Salad) and deliver it right to your desk. The days of squandering valuable billable hours by having to walk to the firm cafeteria are over.

Aside from mind boggling kickbacks, WLRK stands out on any resume. We can’t stress this enough people. Marty Lipton invented the poison pill! He invented it! We also hear that Lipton recently scored over 800 points in a sanctioned Scrabble match against hedge fund shill, Paul Roth.

Barbershop Marty

It is legend in the pantheon of legal rumour and inuendo that the genesis of Joe Flom's (fictional) feud with Marty Lipton was not, in fact, their competing M&A practices, but rather, differences of opinion over their shared a capella stylings. That's right--it turns out that in the early 1980's, Flom and Lipton founded and performed together, in a barbershop quartet.

Known as the Loan Rangers (because of a certain LBO takeover mechanism that was popular in those days), Flom (as soprano) and Lipton (as bass), performed alongside litigation hero Herb Wachtell (as baritone), and a fourth unidentified tenor singer who may or may not have been actor Bryan Brown (of "FX", "FX2" and "Cocktail" fame), in venues as far ranging as Hilly's on the Bowery (the precursor to CBGB's), the Westchester County Fair, the yearly Drexel Burnham Lambert junk bond convention run by Michael Milken, and on occassion, when hurting for a gig, the 6 train running from Eastchester/Dyre Avenue in the Bronx, to Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.

It is said that for many months, the men worked together swimmingly--both on arrangements and vocalizations, and in performances as well (Flom's high soprano harmony is said to have perfectly complimented, and as one former fan put it, "danced around" Liptons sparing, understated-yet-refined "tuba style" bass harmonies)--until their infamous fight in the fall of 1991 over the group's dress style. Apparently, Marty (understandably) wanted to go with the traditional red and white striped shirts, black pants, suspenders, and straw hats, while Flom (inexplicably) wanted to "update" the group's look with dark, double breasted suits and bowler hats.

What is more, it appears that Flom also wished for the group to go in a new musical direction as well--even going so far as to create a capella arrangements for all the songs from the hit play "Cats," to be performed at a gig the group had booked for later that week (at the Shaun Peterson birthday party at the Brooklyn Petting Zoo). Though Lipton was (and remains) a patron of the arts and a lover of showtunes, he understood that barbershop quartets are meant to celebrate our nation's vaudevillian past, not Broadway showstuff, and rebuffed Floms attempts to take over the group and use the quartet as an outlet for his over-the-top show-style arrangements. It is said that this particular fight was so heated that it caused Bryan Brown, a renouned pacifist, to quit the group in protest, after which he went on to pursue a mediocre, short lived career in the moving pictures.

With the loss of their fabled tenor, and baritone Herb Wachtell always tied up and unable to attend regular practices due to his burgeoning "per diem" practice in Bronx County Supreme, Lipton is said to have opted to disband the Rangers for good in the spring of 1982. As the group was really the light of Joe Flom's life at the time, he is said to have never fully recovered from Lipton's move, and instead grew angry at him for "making the group go bye bye." Rumor has it that for many years, on the occasional lonesome weeknight, Joe Flom could be heard in the hall outside his office at 4 Times Square, harmonizing to vinyl recordings of old folk tunes, trying to relive those olden days, when the Loan Rangers were truly the "tops."

Lipton was also said to be upset about the groups breakup as well, but not nearly as much as Flom had been. In any event, Marty--being the resilient soul that he is (after all, he DID invent the poison pill!)--is said to have gotten over it quite quickly, upon discovering, at a black-tie-optional function, that he was a natural and gifted ballroom dancer.

M.A.R.T.Y. 2000

According to recently declassified documents obtained through our F.O.I.L. request, the United States government developed a supercomputer sometime during the late Cold War era modeled after ace corporate attorney, Marty Lipton. Its name: the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000, housed somewhere within the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain’s NORAD facility, specifically utilized Marty Lipton’s uncanny ability to solve problems, business acumen, and sheer culinary genius, to defend against Soviet attacks.

In order to prepare for a Soviet takeover, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was programmed to play a number of simulated games. This included everything from Galaga, Ms. Pac Man, and our favorite, global thermal nuclear war. The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 excelled at game play. In fact, is rumored that Joe Flom challenged the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 to several games of tic-tac-toe. Though still classified, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 supposedly beat Flom 29 out of the 30 games played. Some believe that the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 intentionally allowed Flom to win the final game because it felt bad for him.

The M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 project, however, was ultimately taken off line because several top commanders were unhappy with the resolution of several simulated conflicts. It seemed that during those simulations, the M.A.R.T.Y 2000 consistently opted to launch nuclear weapons at major U.S. cities at the first sign of a Soviet invasion. While some argued that sacrificing a city such as Detroit in order to thwart a Soviet takeover was well worth it, others perceived such a tactic was somewhat controversial. In the end, the M.A.R.T.Y. 2000 was a little too far ahead of its time.

Everything's Coming up Marty

As we've previously mentioned, Marty Lipton, the fantastic vocalist that he is, has been known to tweedle the odd-showtune in the wee-hours of a tightly wound corporate merger negotiation. Whether it be for some strategic end, to simply break up the monotony of the negotiations, or to communicate down the hall to his partner --legendary litigator Herb Wachtell (head of WLRK's esteemed "no fault auto" practice)--there is no question that Marty's tactic has proven successful, time and time again. Trust us, we know. What we didn't know, however, was which showtunes Marty preferred to belt out in the boardroom. At least, that is, until now, with this morning's receipt of the following email from an anonymous reader:

To: Maxwellhause@gmail.com

From: [redacted]

Time: Sunday, September 16, 2007, 9:14 pm

Re: Marty Lipton Sighting at Ethel Merman Tribute Concert

Maxwell and Rob:

Love the site. Longtime reader, first time caller (writer?). So, this afternoon, I attended the inaguaral Ethel Merman Charity Tribute in Astoria, Queens. If you don't know, this is an event celebrating the life and music of the famed actress Ethel Merman who she is known for such show classics as "who could ask for anything more". Anyway, at some point in the late dayI took a break from the festivities to hit up the ol pishadoo and get me some refreshments, when who did I see, but Marty Lipton, walking into the auditorium with a large tub of popcorn. Now, to tell you the truth, I'm not 100% sure it was Lipton, because I actually have no idea what he looks like, but I did hear someone say to him "hey, Marty," so I'm thinking it must be Lipton because, come on. Anyway, just thought you would like to know this. You should do a feature sort of like Gawker's "Gawker Stalker," except only with Marty Lipton. For example, "I saw Marty Lipton at the Ethel Merman festival," or "Marty Lipton was seen entering 51 West 52nd Street this morning!!!!!!"

So, keep up the good work!

[redacted]

Now, whether it was or was not in fact Marty Lipton at the Merman festival this weekend, we'll never know (and quite frankly, we're now pissed off that we turned down the tickets to the festival that were offered to us by our gay anesthesiologist neighbor, Fred, on the off chance that it WAS him). Be that as it may, what we can be sure of (and by "can," we mean" we're guessing"), is that the songs that Marty Lipton would choose to sing to his clients and adversaries, were Ethel Merman songs, most likely "Everything is Coming Up Roses," which, upon information and belief, we now understand to be Marty Lipton's favorite song of all times!!!!

We thank [redacted] for his Lipton sighting and insight (though not for his grammatical acumen!!), and ask that if you have any information relating to Marty's musical preferences, let us know, because not only did he invent the poison pill (yes, you heard correctly, he invented it!!), but he appears to be a patron of the arts as well!

L'Shana Tovah, Marty Lipton

It is said that Marty Lipton, Herb Wachtell, and Co. started their little M&A/Slip and Fall defense firm because the big firms of the day wouldn't hire Jews. All disbelief aside that it was ever difficult for a Jewish lawyer to make it out there, we have always liked this story, because it shows once again how Jews can perservere and overcome in the face of adversity. There's no question about it, Marty Lipton, like all of his Jewish bretheren (the writers of this blog included), is a fighter--and whether it be religious persecution or takeover artists funding LBO attempts with unlimited Texas oil monies, he will never surrender until his work is done, which it never is.

With that, we would like to wish our hero/savior Marty Lipon a happy and healthy Rosh Hashanah--good Yom Tov and L'Shana Tova. We would pray that he be "inscribed in the book of life," but since we believe Marty to be superhuman and invincible, such prayer would essentially be pointless.

Salad a la Marty

As we have pointed out to you in the past, Marty Lipton’s innovations are not relegated to the boardroom. For example, we have come to learn that Marty Lipton is single handedly responsible for innovating a number of otherwise ordinary dishes into culinary wonders. Take for example the Caesar salad: a commonplace, dare we say bland, mix of romaine lettuce, croutons, anchovy paste, lemon juice, parmesan cheese, black pepper, olive oil, and Worchester sauce. While we are certainly not suggesting that Marty Lipton invented this culinary Chernobyl, he certainly took it from the back alleys of Tijuana, Mexico, to the forefront of America’s gastronomic sensibility.

Along with bullfights, coke mules, ubiquitous pharmacies selling cheap grey market pharmaceuticals, and the donkey show (this is apparently an off Broadway “musical” that features live animals on stage), Tijuana, Mexico is credited with being the birthplace of the Caesar salad. More specifically, the Caesar salad was invented by Caesar Cardini, a successful restaurateur and prohibition era “tequila runner” (Cardini is often credited as being the Mexican Al Capone). During the height of prohibition, alcohol deprived co-eds would cross the border for the sole purpose of enjoying a libation and a free salad at one of Cardini’s numerous theme restaurants, including famed spring break hotspot, Carlos N Charlie’s.

Though, the Caesar salad enjoyed mild popularity in the United States during the 1960s (due in part to the boom of Mexican restaurants), the fad had all but died out by the early 70s. Some say the market was just oversaturated with salads. Others opine that the Caesar was simply boring and uninspired. In 1982, the Caesar salad was given a jumpstart by none other than famed corporate whiz kid, Marty Lipton.

One afternoon, while taking clients to lunch at Midtown power scene, Ben Benson’s Steakhouse, Marty Lipton regaled the lunch crowd with witty one liners, sight gags and Joe Flom anecdotes. Never being the one to shy away from theatrics, Lipton topped even himself by ordering a Caesar salad…prepared tableside! That’s right, Lipton transformed a dull and drab salad into a three ring circus. It was a meal and a show all rolled into one.

Lipton proceeded to dazzle the crowd by preparing the salad right before their very eyes. Warming up the crowd, Lipton added the crunchy romaine to a large metallic mixing bowl. The crowd looked on as he added the dressing’s ingredients to the bowl. But wait, there’s more! After sprinkling the salad with parmesan cheese, some freshly ground pepper, and a dash of Tabasco sauce, Lipton brought the crowd to their feet by tossing the salad.

Lipton’s high octane hyjinks, a Caesar salad prepared tableside, became quite the rage amongst New York’s Upper East Side society set. Walk into any Michelin star restaurant during the 1980s and you couldn’t blink without seeing someone order a Caesar salad prepared tableside, a Salad a la Marty to those in the know.

In 1984, Lipton jazzed up the Salad a la Marty by ordering it with grilled chicken on top. That’s right, grilled chicken!

So there you have it. Not only did Lipton invent the poison pill, he invented the Caesar salad served tableside as well as the Caesar salad with grilled chicken.

Stuffed Marty

In the early 1990's, capital markets worldwide took a downturn. With the suit and tie set bearish on the economy, it was only natural that M&A transactions slowed to a near halt during that tragic time. But if there was one good thing to come out of this otherwise dire situation, it was that, with less than a full plate, Marty Lipton was finally able to focus in on some of his other interests that he had left unexplored for all those years when he was defending against LBO's and inventing poison pills and whatnot. It is rumoured that it was during this period that Marty Lipton became a licensed master taxidermist.

As we've mentioned before, Marty Lipton had always been an animal lover. But the problem with animals--especially exotic ones--he found, was that like all other living things, eventually, they die. Mr. Lipton, impervious to death (and conventional weaponry) himself, had little time for such distractions. Between his work as a high powered corporate attorney, his position as a trustee on the NYU School of Law Board of Trustees, and his various humanitarian efforts throughout the world, Lipton was uninterested in getting close to an animal and then watching it suffer tragically and then ultimately perish--as had happened with Kirby, his beloved Mako Shark. When Kirby died, it is said that Lipton swore off pet-ownership altogether, and delved, head first, into salsa dancing.

But in the years that followed, Marty often found that while he didn't miss the pain of losing a beloved pet, he did miss being surrounded by exotic, furry creatures while holed up in his grandiose Manhattan office, devising newer and better ways to protect innocent corporations. So when he found himself with a bit of free time back in 1991, he opted to do something about it, and enrolled in a taxidermy correspondence course.

WLRK minions say that those six months when he was a taxidermy student were some of the happiest of Lipton's life. Every other Tuesday, Lipton would apparently wait near the WLRK mailroom, pacing anxiously until the arrival of his latest taxidermy video and stuffing kit. And for the rest of the day--and in fact, many nights too--it is said that Lipton would barracade himself in his office with nothing but his VCR and his dream of becoming a master taxidermist. Marty being Marty, he finished the course in the record time of four months--two whole months early!--and in the Spring of 92, was accredited as a master taxidermist in a short, nondescript ceremony presided over by none other than a panda-suit donning Joe Flom!

Knowing that the recession would not last forever, Marty took no taxidermy prisoners, and in the months that followed, managed to stuff and mount a polar bear head, a whole antelope, 17 muskrats, 3 hedgehogs, a wild boar, a bison, a deer, and a giraffe--not to mention Kirby, his beloved Mako shark, whom he had previously had frozen in remembrance (rumours that Lipton stuffed and mounted famed corporate raider T. Boone Pickens are highly exagerated, and came about only because of his purported resemblance to one of Lipton's many stuffed marmits).

All of Lipton's taxidermy projects can be seen, on display, in Marty's office (which these days looks less like a zoo and more like a hunting lodge given his new, rich red mahogany cabinets), but only if you are fortunate enough to be a WLRK client, or unlucky enough to be a perilous corporate raider, in town for a negotiation session--for the old days when Marty Lipton would happily show his collection of stuffed mammal heads to any old soul off the street are over, ever since Herb Wachtell (head of WLRK's famed "personal injury practice") claimed that Lipton's office contained too many "attractive nuisances," and put a stop to Marty's impromptu tours.

Marty Lipton Will Hopefully Challenge Primate to Competition Involving Secret Ingredient (Chorizo)

Though we have never seen Marty Lipton speak (we really have no idea what he even looks like), we have no doubt that Lipton is extremely articulate and can really think on his feet. In fact, we believe that Lipton, the inventor of the poison pill, is so cunning, that he can take any position, no matter how outrageous, and dress it up to be a winner. Quite simply, he is that damned smart.

That is why we would love to witness the slaughter that would ensue if Lipton was to challenge a Neanderthal like Sean Hannity to anything. We don’t really care what it is. As long as Lipton is pitted against Sean Hannity, we will watch it. You see, while Lipton is extremely gifted, Sean Hannity is a complete moron. Hannity would have difficulty beating a chimp at connect four (best out of seven).

Because a contest against Lipton (whatever it may be) would be so lopsided, we surmise that Hannity would likely become so frustrated that he would start flinging his fecal matter at innocent bystanders like an ape at the zoo.

So Sean, we challenge you to anything against Marty Lipton. Anything! Yes or no Sean? Here are several suggestions:

1. A diorama building contest;

2. One on one ultimate Frisbee;

3. A debate over the pros and cons of forced child labor;

4. A pie eating contest;

5. Powerball (from American Gladiators); or

6. An Iron Chef style cookoff (secret ingredient: chorizo).

Lipton on Tape

Have you ever heard Marty Lipton's voice? Neither have we, but we hear that it is, in a word, breathtaking.

Rumor has it that long before Marty Lipton was a regional ballroom dancing champion, he was a deft and accomplished concert lyricist (a tenor). A source close to WLRK (and by close, we mean proximity wise, for our source is Sal, the kosher frankfurter vendor out on 52nd St.) tell us that in his younger years, Marty Lipton would often break up the monotony of a corporate merger negotiation by belting out the odd showtune. We understand that Herb Wachtell thought that this strategy would translate well to litigation, and tried once to coax answers out of a hostile witness by attempting a falsetto version of the Iron Butterfly classic "In a Gadda Da Vida," but that he quickly found that his voice was too hoarse because he had spent a number of hours that week defending a janitor against DUI charges in Mamaroneck, Long Island (in connection with his famed and lucrative "DUI defense" practice).

These days, Marty Lipton is too busy defending against hostile LBO's with Mexican foodstuffs and also learning new salsa dance steps to once again become a serious singer, but we do have it upon information and belief that he is close to signing a lucrative and exclusive deal to provide his soothing vocal stylings on the next 5 Jackie Collins books on tape. Rumor has it that Marty has always had a secret passion for supermarket romance novels (and in fact, may have even penned a few of his own) and that when the offer came across his desk, he jumped at it, quite literally, and almost sprained his ankle in the process (we say "almost" because while any normal person would have sustained a somewhat serious injury, because Lipton is impervious to pain and harm, he was, in fact, fine). Did we mention that Marty Lipton invented the poison pill?? (he invented it for Pete's sake!!!).

We wish Marty well in his new endeavor, and look forward to enjoying his sweet sounds when those cassette tapes reach the market in the coming years. We are willing to wait that long, but if are pining and simply need to hear a famed New York lawyer voice a book on tape, we recommend that you check out Paul Roth's 1994 reading of "Do the Twist: The Chubby Checker Story." While Roth's voice no doubt pales in comparison to Lipton's, Roth is known the world over not only because he is an excellent hedge fund counselor, but also because he can do a mean "mashed potato."